somebody tell me why am i doing this again?

once i'm awake from deep slumber, the usual thing i'd do is check the time.
and today, it was 3 in the morning. and i couldnt really sleep after that.
after tossing and turning, i gave up and wake up. so i was all dressed up and ready at about 0630. for exam scheduled at 1000.

med students were never short of exams. so if you are one, you're probably tired of hearing this kind of thing. i'm always nervous on the morning of exam. but then again, who doesnt?
but this time, i seriously felt that my heart was at my throat, and my breakfast didnt really stayed in once i consumed the toast&coffee. which was a first! as i always make sure i eat something, dont wanna get hypo(glycaemic) when i need all the sugar to go to my brain.

so all six of us waited in the waiting room before they call the first two students. while we were waiting, P asked,"why the hell do we do medicine?". and nervous laughter filled the room.
and up till now, i have no clue. at times like these, we often question and sometimes regret. and i alsoask the same thing. if not frequently, at times.. if only i take up petronas' offer to do economics six years ago, i wont be at the position that i was this morning.

i was to go second. once i entered the cubicle, i saw a baby girl on her mummy's lap, on nebuliser & NG feed. and dysmorphic features were so obvious, i must be blind to not notice them. so,when i took history from the mum, the first things she said,"S(the baby girl) has icell disease." "uh? could you repeat spell it for me?",was what i asked. bloody hell, i have never even heard of that disorder! google it if you want. i'm too lazy at the moment to link it up. i was thrown off guard, so the history that i took was pretty rubbish,i must say.Once the 30 minutes over, Dr Sm and Dr Sh came into the cubicle. OMG!! i did not expect them to be the examiners! Both were nice, as i've been following their ward rounds and attend their clinics. BUT. i always find Dr Sh is a bit intimidating. So, i was lost for words too many times while reporting my history and findings. Long story short, when they call up to give feedbacks, they told me that i did pass this long case. But i did not feel relieved at all. oh well, maybe a little. I was beating myself up after it was over. I should! and could have done better!

So, my confidence (which wasnt much in the first place) was shaken up with this even. And now, i'm doubting myself as will i ever be a good doctor? and i.. i probably didnt suit this profession at all. oh yes, i can sense panick attack making its appearance soon.

and while i'm writing this, yahoomail alert from medscape appeared with the title:
'have you ever questioned your decision to become a doctor.'
now, how so appropiate huh?

"aaaaaaaa,nak nangisnye rase."

"oh, suck it up. you have part 2 of paeds exam tomorrow for crying out loud!"